My Story
What’s my reason!? Just over 2yrs ago our family was turned upside with a diagnosis of terminal cancer 😢 that diagnosis doesn’t just affect that one person but a whole family and those close When you hear those words you automatically think the worst but with amazing new treatments we are on the road to that diagnosis changing 🙏🤞 This is why supporting cancer research is so important to me because we need that cure More recently our family was rocked with another family member being diagnosed, one thing that was said was ‘how can lightening strike twice’ but that’s the reality 1 in 2 will be diagnosed with cancer in their lifetime Their stories are not mine to share but what I can share is my story of watching someone I love with all my heart having there world tipped upside down and not knowing what to do about it. When we first got that diagnosis I started writing, not for anyone else just for me but I’ve chosen to share those first thoughts below to try and give you some understanding! If you or someone you love has been/going through this you can probably relate. I don’t want anyone to have the feeling of helplessness like I felt and I really do believe we ever closer to that Cure 🥰 please please donate what you can to help us find it sooner xxx Monday 18th May 2020 The day my world fell apart 😢 Tues 19th Day two since the bottom fell out of my world, or at least I think it is as I don’t think either of us has slept! I’m broken, we’re broken and I don’t know how to fix it 😩 I can’t stop the tears and that’s the worst, I feel guilty for crying like it’s not me this is happening to is it! I don’t want him to see my tears see that’s why the guilt, it should be me making him feel better not the other way round. We told the kids and that’s all’s I can say about that right now because that really is raw an indescribable feeling of hurt and pain and I know my he felt that to. I can’t imagine how he’s feeling because he’s our rock, our go to person the man that can fix anything or anyone, our world 🌍. I wish I could get inside his head for just a minute so I could understand how he is feeling or how he wants me to act, act normal he says but how do you act normal when you’re broken. He has opened up and shared some thoughts/feelings about treatments and the future etc and is very matter of fact ( I know these thoughts may change) for now I will listen 👂. It’s to soon to know what lies ahead and I don’t want to think about the future I just know this “my Ste, my best friend in the whole world and love of my life is broken and I will do everything, give everything and fight with everything I have to make him better. We will fight this together!! 💙❤️ Side note....it’s now 18:44pm and my Ste has been working all day because that’s how he is 😮 I’ve been a blubbering wreck!! Tomorrow I WILL DO BETTER FOR HIM x (I really will try) ⬆️I failed 🤦♀️ Weds 20th So I ramble! I don’t know why I’m writing it’s just something I want to do to get it out of my mind. Monday the day my world fell apart was diagnosis day. My world, my Ste had gone off to hospital for what we thought was a routine scan after having pain in his rib area. That scan led him to a room which he describes as “the room with the flowers with the chair no one wants to sit in!” He was alone and given the news he had Cancer, the fact he was alone hearing that breaks my heart more than the fact he had to come home and tell me and for that I won’t ever forgive myself! He’s tried to describe how being told felt but I’m pretty certain unless you’re hearing that news for yourself you would never get it! The feelings I had when he told me well I’m not sure I can describe that either but I will try! The saying life flashes before you is true it’s actually possible to have what feels like a million thoughts in 10 seconds, my brain hurt immediately. My heart broke, a physical pain that won’t go away and I feel sick like actual sick, my stomach is doing constant backflips so much so that I dare not eat anything because I think I’ll vomit. I immediately think why him? Why my world? He doesn’t deserve this! We don’t deserve this! We will fight this! Oh my god how do we tell the kids? What type of cancer? How does he feel? Blah blah blah you get the picture, like I said a million thoughts in 10 seconds. These thoughts haven’t stopped since so I can only imagine the cogs turning in his mind and I know they are. He doesn’t want every conversation to be about the big C but that’s where every conversation leads, I think it’s to soon to not be at the forefront of all our thoughts especially his. And in a way I’m glad for that because I don’t want him to bottle anything up trying to protect me like he always has done! (Always) I want to know every thought he wants to share to be there at every step because that’s how we are I’m his sidekick. I keep hearing him talking to others and when I’m in ear shot he says “we have to just carry on people can’t just keep wailing at the side of me” by that I know he means me and I’m trying I really am but he needs to also understand he isn’t the only one affected it’s all of us and as much as I try the tears won’t stop, I cried myself to sleep I cried through the night and it’s 10:42am and I’ve cried 4 times already this morning! But I will keep trying and if i feel the tears I will try my best to do them privately because that’s what he wants and needs me to do! My ramblings won’t make sense and it doesn’t matter because there only for me I will miss things out remember them later and write them down, I don’t know if it is helping or why I’m doing it but for now I just want to so I will 😉 20:30pm I’m crying again for what feels like the millionth time! All’s I want more than anything is for my Ste to wrap his arms around me and tell me everything will be ok but I can’t ask that of him can I? Am I being selfish? I don’t know 🤷♀️ I just know it hurts, it hurts so bad. I wish it was me because if it was I know that holding me and telling me it will be ok is exactly what he would do. I know my Ste is a fighter he will give his all and more the same he does with absolutely everything to get through this and I will be right by his side. Be strong and stop crying stupid girl do for him what he would for you and be strong 💪 xx
